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On Friday night (September 6th), a seemingly high SES lady dressed in white mounted her Mercedes on a kerb in Chinatown and was filmed cussing at a passerby before driving away against the flow of traffic.
[pullquote]Naturally, we got a little concerned, because this means even the best of us can fxxx up and go viral. So we sat down to reflect on Lao Lian’s (that’s her alias on HardwareZone) situation and put together a game plan for Lao Lian’s future comeback.[/pullquote]
The video soon went viral and netizens managed to dig up her identity and work credentials, though mainstream media and the police have been withholding her name. One interesting (and unverified) revelation is that she’s a director at a global headhunting company. Good lord.
Naturally, we got a little concerned, because this means even the best of us can fxxx up and go viral. So we sat down to reflect on Lao Lian’s (that’s her alias on HardwareZone) situation and put together a game plan for Lao Lian’s future comeback.
Step 1: Deactivate your social media accounts
In this thriving digital age, how are netizens going to find out more about you? Social media, of course. They are going to take screenshots of your social media posts and show it to the world as if videos of your gorgeous face (subjective, but we’ll just go with that) and rebellious teenage driving isn’t viral enough.
Anticipate their actions and deactivate your social media accounts before they find you. Not even internet archiving tools like Wayback Machine can help.
Oh wait, you’ve already done that? Good, because if you can’t see them, they can’t see you, right? So clever.
Step 2: Tell your employer
[pullquote]better give [your employer] a heads up so that they can get ready to fire you. [/pullquote]
Before your boss calls you up for a chat regarding why the company is receiving poor reviews with your name on it on social media, better give him or her a heads up so that they can get ready to fire you.
Step 3: Lay low until Singaporeans forget about you
I mean, if you stay quiet, nobody knows you exist, right? Grab your Gucci sunglasses, pack up your bags and book a hotel, preferably somewhere near the police station. You may need to make several trips there while minimising exposure to the public.
Meanwhile, think of an excuse reason for your actions. You’ll need it later.
Step 4: Attend to the police
[pullquote]Don’t go against the flow, go with it this time.[/pullquote]
So the men in blue want to have coffee with. Don’t go against the flow, go with it this time. Just be obedient, answer the questions honestly and get your excuse reason ready. But be prepared that they won’t buy it.
Note: cussing is not advisable at the police station.
Step 5: Apologise (completely optional)
If you feel like it, apologise for being unappreciative of help and endangering the lives of people.
In your apology, emphasise on your situation. People will understand how stressful work can be and the need to drive against the flow of traffic to release endorphins and adrenaline that can help relieve stress.
Furthermore, doing this shows the judge that you are remorseful.
But again, it’s completely optional.
[pullquote]If you feel like it, apologise for being unappreciative of help and endangering the lives of people. [/pullquote]
Step 6: Do time (touch wood)
In the unfortunate event that you’re imprisoned, just remember that Serina Wee survived it too. Your cussing and slapping skills may come in handy. You’ll fit right in, gain approval and rise up the ranks very quickly.
Step 7: Job hunt
It’s a bonus if your employer decides to retain you. But if you lose your job, the folks at Hardwarezone have some suggestions. It’s not a hunt if we put it up here for you. We’ll leave you to find out.
Step 8: Become an ambassador
No, we’re not talking about becoming a Tiger beer ambassador.
[pullquote]Become an anti-doxxing ambassador.[/pullquote]
Given enough time, the internet will know more about you than you know yourself. Turn this into your strength: Become an anti-doxxing ambassador. When life gives you problems, become the victim. The internet will soon be full of your empowering messages instead of discussions revolving your bad behaviour.
Last resort: Leave the country
When you are legally allowed to leave the country, you may also consider leaving this stuffy, lawful country. Move to a place where you can drive in any direction you like and cuss to your heart’s content without anyone filming you. We heard the Sahara is a hot choice.
As Charles M. Schulz puts it, “No problem is so formidable that you can’t walk away from it.”